Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
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Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now