I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
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It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
There are usually two types of merchants.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.