NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
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Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.