My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
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Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.