how to market bottled water to dads
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Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
finally
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.