Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
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*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀