*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
You Might Also Like
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
#Caturday
When you’re here for the treats.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra