pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
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My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.