sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
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I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back