So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
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In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case