Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
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INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
$4 #usedbooks
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run