You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
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The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣