People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
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I’m being attacked 😭
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
An odd boast
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide