[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
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My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.