Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
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“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit