I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
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life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?