He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
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wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.