[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
You Might Also Like
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I bet
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
beware of dog
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED