every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
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I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people