A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
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Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.