I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
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God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?