ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
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Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
*pronounces surface like Versace*