The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
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Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
you have three unread messages
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended