not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
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Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Shortcut
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
had to make it
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.