People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
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[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Nomnomnomnom
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.