Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
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I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.