[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
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If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!