I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
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Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me