*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
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When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
I hate when that happens.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Google reviews are always so mixed..
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold