i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
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do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.