“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
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I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?