(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
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*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Ferrari squats
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.