I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
You Might Also Like
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
There’s never enough good news
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.