STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
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In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…