him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
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a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.