To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
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When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Finally! 😈
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
black phone good
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
set yourself free xox