Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
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[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.