I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
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God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.