Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
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I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’