Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
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Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
My five year plan is a meteorite
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go