How funny!
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I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
me irl
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*