Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
You Might Also Like
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.