*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
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[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I hope they boil the right one.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?