Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
You Might Also Like
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
it is time once again
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*