[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
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Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
This meal prepping shit is easy
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi