Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
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I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind