Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
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‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
When you let grandma cat sit
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
incredible text to wake up to
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526