him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
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[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead