Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
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joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
*pronounces patio like ratio
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.