ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
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Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺